TO: Everyone EXCEPT Will Solace

[divasmio]

I've had the privilege of being pulled into this world alongside one of my children, and I'm determined to be the best father I can be to him now that I finally have the opportunity.

I'm starting to realize that I don't know what that looks like. Back home, I'd been able to periodically circumvent the... barriers keeping us apart through gifts and periodic visits, but I'm at a loss when it comes to being a father day-to-day.

Can anyone offer any general advice?

Comments

[inthenameofhades]

Not sure I can tell you what a good father looks like either, mate.

Although I can tell you that you should avoid calling him 'boy' instead of his actual name. Or lying about his mother and where he comes from. Or constantly criticising him for failing to live up to expectations that you never properly prepared him for!

Definitely try not doing any of that.

[Why yes, Zagreus did have Issues]

private;

[divasmio]

[ Oh, Apollo had been hoping things were different for Zagreus. But it seems being the child of a Greek God is a terrible position to be in regardless of what world you hail from. ]

I can't speak for the children of Hades, but your experiences do sound very familiar those with my own father. I'm sorry for what he put you through.

Perhaps between the good of us, we can figure out the qualities of a good father by process of elimination.

[inthenameofhades]

Well, I should give him at least some credit. Things are much better now. He has been trying. I'm not sure if it'll ever be enough for me to forget the past and forgive him, but...he has changed.

And...maybe looking for a good father figure isn't really what you need. Because if I had children...it's my mother-figures who I'd want to emulate. Not Father. So...how was your relationship with your mother?

[divasmio]

My mother, Leto, was always fiercely protective of Artemis and myself. Growing up, I never felt unsafe when she was around. She inspired me to become fiercely protective of her, in turn.

Yet she was always so gentle and kind with us. A beautiful singer, too. Growing up, I never felt unsafe when I knew she was near.

What about yours?

[judgmentbolts]

Well, that's the secret, isn't it? None of us have a clue what we're doing. If we're lucky, the little ones turn out alright despite our blunders.

How old is the lad? Even general advice is going to be different depending on if he's just a tyke, or practically his own man already.

[divasmio]

A young man approaching the cusp of adulthood, yet more capable and self-sufficient than many twice his age.

[ It's not lost on him that it was his own neglect that forced Will to become so capable. His stomach twists at the thought. ]

[judgmentbolts]

Grew up fast, did he? If that's the case, he's not likely to rely on you as much as you might like him to... Best you can do is let him know that you're there for him whenever he's got need of you, and be sure that you prove it to him when he does.

Aside from that, just talk to him. Be sure that he wants the same sort of thing that you do, and try not to put all of your expectations -- or your guilt -- on his shoulders. Take it at his pace.

...What exactly kept you apart in the first place, if you don't mind my asking?

[divinityfrompain]

I didn't have good parents so I can't speak from experience, but I can say what I would've liked from them.

Being around, being available and supportive and interested in him, I'm sure that's all making a difference. You haven't been around but now you have the chance to get to know him on a personal level, and you should take advantage of that. Find out what is important to him and encourage his passions. Have Dad-Son days where you guys get lunch and share about your life.

Another thing you can do is just talk to him, Apollo. Find out what Will needs by asking him directly.

private;

[divasmio]

[ Apollo recalls the history that Julia had relayed to him; Her perspective is unique in a way few others are, and he appreciates it immensely. ]

I do try, but you know how Will is. He's so worried about being a burden to others, he doesn't like to ask for help. Or even take it when it's offered.

I suppose what I'm looking for is a balance between giving him the freedom to grow at his own pace, and making him step away from his responsibilities and lighten his load.

Private forever

[divinityfrompain]

In my experience, with people like that, you sometimes can reframe the way they're thinking in order to make it easier.

You: let me help
Them: no, I don't need help, I can do it!
You: I know you can do it, but it would make me happy and feel fulfilled if you'd let me do it with you.

For a community helper like Will, sometimes framing it as a joint effort or something you're not doing for him but for the same reasons he's doing it, helps make it less personal.

In general I think he wants you to be there, Apollo. To love him and be proud of him and want to be around him. Isn't that something you'd like from Zeus?

[inferiority_complex]

Well I don't know about your kid but I can tell you what didn't work with my dad. Periodic visits aren't going to mean much. Neither are gifts. At least, they didn't to me. Talk to him face to face. Get to know him. Listen to him. Teach him stuff. Don't take what time you have with him for granted.

And don't play favorites. It's not cool. Like really, really not cool.

[Why yes, Chris also has daddy issues, thanks for noticing.]

[divasmio]

No, I suppose in the grand scheme of things my visits and gifts haven't meant much. I very much intend to remedy that now.

But it's hard to tell where he needs me. He's so hardworking and set on doing things himself, and I'm afraid if I step in to lighten his load, I'll only get in his way.

[inferiority_complex]

Why are you trying to step in and lighten his load? Is he not doing a good job, do you not trust him? Or are you just trying to do things together?

He might not need you. But that doesn't mean he doesn't want you.

Tell him that. Just be honest with him. Both of you might not know what you're doing.

That doesn't mean you can't figure it out together.

[satanicpanics]

more haikus should do the trick

[ Sorry, he is obsessed with the haikus... ]

[thearchangel]

How old is your kid?

I think the advice changes, depending on that.

[ordinar]

[Well, this is a little awkward, considering that it's Will's dad, and Will is his friend. But maybe that's why he feels compelled to respond.]

I mean, I don't have any kids, but I'm around the same age as Will, so...

Maybe I can speak to the other side of things.

Listening to him is important, for one thing. Actually hear what he has to say, and give him opportunities to speak his mind. A lot of parents don't really do that.