gather 'round, it's story time

[mathmetism]

Dear diary,

This week in my silly little adventures, I became LSD Buddha. Me and my dream bro, Jack the Fiendishly Good-Looking and Fiscally Unfortunate, we'll call him Jack, became pirate lords and befriended the gentle and devastatingly handsome kraken. Fish feared him, wizards feared him, wizards also wanted him, they feared how much they wanted him. I life coached Batman in how to practice self-forgiveness and embrace self-care, and helped a Cuba-sized shark find his inner Disney princess.

Then shit got real, diary, but I got realer.

The Singularity was wigging out, so my ninja sensei Kyle, Jack and I rocked up on my trusty unicorn steed, Jean Claude Van Damme. Using the infiltration skills I mastered during my days in the CIA, we snuck into the secret base far below the crater, where we swung over magma pits and punched lava bears. The bears pulled machetes on us, but Jack kicked them in half. Only to discover, this big rock wasn’t OUR big rock at all, but an imposter big rock, bent on fucking up everyone’s shit and reinstating dumb stuff like parking citations and taxes and dinner reservations.

This fake big rock, we’ll call it Brenda, couldn’t let us escape with the truth. It sicced its bloodthirsty fire-pigeons on us, but Sensei Kyle was having none of it. These were very same pigeons that ate his ex-girlfriend and shat on his new bicycle. It was a violent kerfuffle, but Sensei Kyle was victorious. However, mortally wounded!! “J-Bomb, I can’t go on, these sky-weasels got hands.” Sensei told us. “It’s up to you to save us all now. With your powers combined, you are the Chosen One(s).”

In a blind rage and hellbent on avenging our fallen sensei, Jack and I merged and ascended to our final form. We grew three heads, all wearing red bandanas, aviators and platinum blond handlebar mustaches that resembled retired Wrestlemania star Hulk Hogan. We sprouted six robot arms - three were holding machine guns and the other three had katanas. After a fierce battle on a shrinking slab of rock in the middle of an underground lava lake, we used our jiu-jitsu to chop Brenda in half. Both sides exploded into a fireball that rocketed us back to the surface.

“That was pretty dope, Jerr-Bear (and friend).” the Singularity said, and gave Jack a hug and me $5,000. With a wink and a sparkle and a softly blown kiss, the Singularity blasted off into the sky to begin the Unfuckening of our reality.

And that’s exactly how it all happened.

Diary, be sure to smash that like and subscribe button and follow me on horizon-twitter at @luciferbrendamorningstar for more updates on our newly formed acapella group and bake sale fundraiser for children with resting bitch face. Next week we’ll be discussing the rumors about a new rock garden mysteriously formed overnight out of dick-shaped boulders. Science is confounded. Was it aliens? Is cock garden the new zen? Find out next week!

Comments

[mathmetism]

technically we all are most of the time
full of shit
we're gonna need a letter of confirmation from your diagnosing physician before funds can be transferred

[ have percy write a letter, he'll take it. unfortunately, the funds will be like two pennies and a mug of soup ]

[sonofacesius]

One diagnosing physician here.

Resting bitch face is a real medical condition, along with depression induced Zombie summoning.

Here's a tip. If Clarisse hasn't stabbed you, she's not angry.

She might after this though.

How's your medical care?

[mathmetism]

sir this is a bake sale
if you want medical care you’re gonna have to find lenny in the alley behind the medieval costco
but if ur girl wants a stabbing we can do a stabbing

[sonofacesius]

Clearly you've never been to a Camp Half Blood bake sale.
Stabbings are included in the 2 drachma suggested donation.

[mathmetism]

oh you meant Camp Half Blood bake sales
right i definitely stopped by one of those on my last transdimensional cruise
so much greek, real campy
yeah no sorry this is strictly a camp no blood bake sale
anemics only
i’m gonna need another physician letter

[sonofacesius]

You should! They're a lot of fun. Mayhem, bleeding. Occasionally cupcakes.

You know I can actually fix anemia? Not a problem.

The actual problem though? Clarisse will stab you. Resting Bitch Face not included. Come see me if she does!

[mathmetism]

nah the one I went to was kinda lame
I didn’t even get decapitated
who’s a guy gotta blow to get incinerated, you feel me?

nah dude don’t fix the anemia
we need the anemia or camp no blood will drop our sponsorship!!

don’t threaten me with a good time, doc

[sonofacesius]

Yeah it's always a bummer when no one loses a limb.

Um. You know being a half blood is different than actual anemia right?
[Will is side eying you right now. How many drugs are you on again?]

Clarisse's domain has landmines? If you wanna go.....have fun? And we got the lava wall. It's a climbing wall. But with lava and boulders that will smash and crush you if you take too long.

It's good fun.

[areou]

The landmines are to keep people OUT, knucklehead, they're not a fucking invitation

[sonofacesius]

You could use it as a really dangerous game.

I don't recommend it. But you could? The Stolls probably have.

[areou]

You think I haven't thought of that before?
That's not even the fucking point
It's my domain, Will, don't just invite weirdo fucking strangers over without my permission

Private

[sonofacesius]

You're right, I'm sorry.

And you agree he's weird?

[mathmetism]

uh chyeah?
there are no half bloods in camp no blood, just anemic kids with resting bitch face
what do you take me for?

what kind of land mines?
blast? fragmentation? bouncing? chemical?

is there any stabbing or explosive planting you do or is this strictly a hype man situation?

[ he is on 0 drugs right now. None. In a different conversation, he’s discussing his blueprints for a home engineered low orbit satellite. if the diary entry about lava bears and merging with his friend to grow six machine gun arms was not a clue - jerry is, sometimes, extremely disingenuous. ]

[sonofacesius]

I actually have no idea what kind of land mines she has.
[He could guess! And his guess would be all of them and more.]

I take you for a human. You're human right?

And no, I do not do any stabbing or explosive planting. I'm the guy that patches you up after you screw up with either of those scenarios. So don't get stabbed. But if you do, come see me!

[mathmetism]

weak sauce

human? how dare you
i am child of Tonatiuh the majestic Nahuatl god of the sun, fertility, and sacrifice
may his enemies be devoured by jaguars with blunt teeth

patching up is what dental floss and everclear is for

[sonofacesius]

Okay first of, no. Patching up is not dental floss and everclear and if you ever try that I will be extremely disappointed in you. If you're in the Free Cities, head to me or anyone else at the clinic. If you're not, well. Just don't okay?

.......You're telling me you're an Aztec demigod? Who thinks they can patch up wounds with everclear and dental floss?

[See Will. See Will not buy this BS.]

[areou]

I never said I wanted a stabbing

( this isn't a stick-up!!! )

Unless you're into that, I guess

[mathmetism]

my safe word is papaya

[areou]

what

( ya girl has never had That Kind of sex ed )

[mathmetism]

your agent promised me a stabbing
am i to believe this Harvard educated, national board certified, Nobel prize winning child doctor lied to me??
STAB ME, ANEMIC GIRL

[areou]

( will, she is going to kill you. )

Fuck's sake, I'm NOT ANEMIC, what the fuck are you talking about
But if you really wanna get stabbed that bad, who am I to deny you

( she does, in fact, know the best places to stab someone. she's had a lot of practical experience. )

[mathmetism]

you and your doctor need to get on the same page
i was also promised land mines
are you gonna say i can't get blown up by land mines now too?
why did you come here to crush my soul??

[areou]

My "doctor" doesn't speak for me unless it involves medical care
Why the fuck do you wanna get blown up

( even ares kids aren't stupid enough to want to get blown up. sure, they toss around live grenades like hot potatoes for fun, but deliberately walking into a minefield with the express purpose of setting them off ... not so much. )

[mathmetism]

your doctor sounds a little stab happy for someone i'd trust with medical care
idk why not
its the horizon, right?

[areou]

Good thing you don't have to trust him then
He's family, let's leave it at that

( she hates that she can't really argue about the horizon, even though she's more than a little wary of anything to do with the singularity after ... all That Nonsense. )

Guess it's not really a death wish if you can't technically die
Red cabin, bloody boar's head, can't miss it
But I'm not cleaning you off my lawn when you get blown to bits