Jerry "Lucius Danger McGillicutty" Pascal (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mathmetism) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
abraxasnet2024-05-13 10:33 pm
mathmetism) wrote in abraxasnet2024-05-13 10:33 pm
gather 'round, it's story time
Dear diary,
This week in my silly little adventures, I became LSD Buddha. Me and my dream bro, Jack the Fiendishly Good-Looking and Fiscally Unfortunate, we'll call him Jack, became pirate lords and befriended the gentle and devastatingly handsome kraken. Fish feared him, wizards feared him, wizards also wanted him, they feared how much they wanted him. I life coached Batman in how to practice self-forgiveness and embrace self-care, and helped a Cuba-sized shark find his inner Disney princess.
Then shit got real, diary, but I got realer.
The Singularity was wigging out, so my ninja sensei Kyle, Jack and I rocked up on my trusty unicorn steed, Jean Claude Van Damme. Using the infiltration skills I mastered during my days in the CIA, we snuck into the secret base far below the crater, where we swung over magma pits and punched lava bears. The bears pulled machetes on us, but Jack kicked them in half. Only to discover, this big rock wasn’t OUR big rock at all, but an imposter big rock, bent on fucking up everyone’s shit and reinstating dumb stuff like parking citations and taxes and dinner reservations.
This fake big rock, we’ll call it Brenda, couldn’t let us escape with the truth. It sicced its bloodthirsty fire-pigeons on us, but Sensei Kyle was having none of it. These were very same pigeons that ate his ex-girlfriend and shat on his new bicycle. It was a violent kerfuffle, but Sensei Kyle was victorious. However, mortally wounded!! “J-Bomb, I can’t go on, these sky-weasels got hands.” Sensei told us. “It’s up to you to save us all now. With your powers combined, you are the Chosen One(s).”
In a blind rage and hellbent on avenging our fallen sensei, Jack and I merged and ascended to our final form. We grew three heads, all wearing red bandanas, aviators and platinum blond handlebar mustaches that resembled retired Wrestlemania star Hulk Hogan. We sprouted six robot arms - three were holding machine guns and the other three had katanas. After a fierce battle on a shrinking slab of rock in the middle of an underground lava lake, we used our jiu-jitsu to chop Brenda in half. Both sides exploded into a fireball that rocketed us back to the surface.
“That was pretty dope, Jerr-Bear (and friend).” the Singularity said, and gave Jack a hug and me $5,000. With a wink and a sparkle and a softly blown kiss, the Singularity blasted off into the sky to begin the Unfuckening of our reality.
And that’s exactly how it all happened.
Diary, be sure to smash that like and subscribe button and follow me on horizon-twitter at @luciferbrendamorningstar for more updates on our newly formed acapella group and bake sale fundraiser for children with resting bitch face. Next week we’ll be discussing the rumors about a new rock garden mysteriously formed overnight out of dick-shaped boulders. Science is confounded. Was it aliens? Is cock garden the new zen? Find out next week!
This week in my silly little adventures, I became LSD Buddha. Me and my dream bro, Jack the Fiendishly Good-Looking and Fiscally Unfortunate, we'll call him Jack, became pirate lords and befriended the gentle and devastatingly handsome kraken. Fish feared him, wizards feared him, wizards also wanted him, they feared how much they wanted him. I life coached Batman in how to practice self-forgiveness and embrace self-care, and helped a Cuba-sized shark find his inner Disney princess.
Then shit got real, diary, but I got realer.
The Singularity was wigging out, so my ninja sensei Kyle, Jack and I rocked up on my trusty unicorn steed, Jean Claude Van Damme. Using the infiltration skills I mastered during my days in the CIA, we snuck into the secret base far below the crater, where we swung over magma pits and punched lava bears. The bears pulled machetes on us, but Jack kicked them in half. Only to discover, this big rock wasn’t OUR big rock at all, but an imposter big rock, bent on fucking up everyone’s shit and reinstating dumb stuff like parking citations and taxes and dinner reservations.
This fake big rock, we’ll call it Brenda, couldn’t let us escape with the truth. It sicced its bloodthirsty fire-pigeons on us, but Sensei Kyle was having none of it. These were very same pigeons that ate his ex-girlfriend and shat on his new bicycle. It was a violent kerfuffle, but Sensei Kyle was victorious. However, mortally wounded!! “J-Bomb, I can’t go on, these sky-weasels got hands.” Sensei told us. “It’s up to you to save us all now. With your powers combined, you are the Chosen One(s).”
In a blind rage and hellbent on avenging our fallen sensei, Jack and I merged and ascended to our final form. We grew three heads, all wearing red bandanas, aviators and platinum blond handlebar mustaches that resembled retired Wrestlemania star Hulk Hogan. We sprouted six robot arms - three were holding machine guns and the other three had katanas. After a fierce battle on a shrinking slab of rock in the middle of an underground lava lake, we used our jiu-jitsu to chop Brenda in half. Both sides exploded into a fireball that rocketed us back to the surface.
“That was pretty dope, Jerr-Bear (and friend).” the Singularity said, and gave Jack a hug and me $5,000. With a wink and a sparkle and a softly blown kiss, the Singularity blasted off into the sky to begin the Unfuckening of our reality.
And that’s exactly how it all happened.
Diary, be sure to smash that like and subscribe button and follow me on horizon-twitter at @luciferbrendamorningstar for more updates on our newly formed acapella group and bake sale fundraiser for children with resting bitch face. Next week we’ll be discussing the rumors about a new rock garden mysteriously formed overnight out of dick-shaped boulders. Science is confounded. Was it aliens? Is cock garden the new zen? Find out next week!
no subject
i was also promised land mines
are you gonna say i can't get blown up by land mines now too?
why did you come here to crush my soul??
no subject
Why the fuck do you wanna get blown up
( even ares kids aren't stupid enough to want to get blown up. sure, they toss around live grenades like hot potatoes for fun, but deliberately walking into a minefield with the express purpose of setting them off ... not so much. )
no subject
idk why not
its the horizon, right?
no subject
He's family, let's leave it at that
( she hates that she can't really argue about the horizon, even though she's more than a little wary of anything to do with the singularity after ... all That Nonsense. )
Guess it's not really a death wish if you can't technically die
Red cabin, bloody boar's head, can't miss it
But I'm not cleaning you off my lawn when you get blown to bits
no subject